The Easy Way To Tell Your Parents You Don’t Want Children….
Few things in life are worse than disappointing your parents. We learn this when we’re caught getting high behind the bike shed, skipping school, or stealing money for sweets. No matter what we try and get away with, nothing feels better than the warm rush that comes from Mum or Dad saying “I’m proud”.
Those words can be hard to come by. Especially in the tricky years caught between rebellion and validation, AKA being a teenager. We all survive, then comes our twenties any beyond. Where we fight to find the balance between keeping them happy and pursuing our freedom. Making the right choices for them and us can sometime be joylessly harmonious. As for the rest? They take courage. You want to be a writer, while Dad insists on law school. You want to move to Oz, while Mum wants you to stay home. They want you to have children while you couldn’t think of anything worse.
As someone who has always gone her own way, standing firm on the decision not to have children has been the most testing. Being one of five, I am the only child left not to have blessed my parents with gorgeous grandchildren. I know we are all biased when it comes to kids, though my nieces and nephews look like they’ve popped right out of a Disney movie. What is wrong with me? I’ve asked. Why do I not have that maternal instinct that makes me want to grow a little human? Will I change my mind? It’s been thirty -five years and despite watching my friends and loved ones indulge in the joyful pitter-patter of tiny feet, I am still pretty sure I won’t. Accepting this is one thing, though getting your parents too is another matter entirely.
So, how is it done? Well, my friends as a writer, I think you know what’s coming next. A letter. (What parent it’s addressed to is by the by. It is the content that matters.) A wise man once said ‘never complain, never explain’ though when it comes to not having children, I’d say it’s best to make an exception. Making yourself clear will save you a lot of awkward moments and waste-of-time conversations.Taking the time to write this letter will make you sure on the reasons why you don’t want to have children.
There was never a moment I imagined myself as a mother. Actress? Director? Best-selling novelist? Yes. Though the school-run never felt in my calling. Still, being the last childless child has forced some serious self- introspection. Am I cutting my nose off to spike my face? I’ve asked through morning runs, bottles of wine and afternoons looking out the window. This letter gave me time to really explore the answer. I’ve never been someone to give into social pressure. Career’s, relationships, postcodes have all been chosen from an intense commitment to authenticity. Though I had to be sure my reluctance to not wanting children didn’t flow from pure rebellion. I had to sit with it long enough to be certain. And I’m 100% positive that the girl that sits here now, slurping coffee and writing through her lunch break, is perfectly happy without them.
Whatever your letter brings up, what matters is they are your perfectly valid feelings. A snapshot of where you are right now and might still be in ten years, or maybe not. Life is a constant tug of war between authenticity and validation, though staying true to yourself will always guide you home. Whether that is to a house full of children or little old you and your cats, you do you.
As after all, despite all the pressure we put on ourselves. I’ve realised perhaps the best way to make your parents proud… Is simply being happy.
